Discovered in 1776, founded in 1860, and rebuilt from the ashes up in 1906, San Francisco is a city that boasts 50 hills, 6 islands, 2 earthquake faults, and well over a million people in the greater metropolitan area. And even though it’s the second most densely populated city in America, there’s plenty of room for visitors. Thinking about a trip to “The Paris of the West,” the city where Al Capone died, where The Gap (inc) keeps its home office, where the Giants baseball team are ritualistically handed the World Series every year? If so, here are a few tips to help you get the most out of “The City That Knows How.”
- Be careful you don’t confuse Fisherman’s Wharf, with “Flasherman Warf”, a dude in the Tenderloin dressed like a half naked Klingon from Star Trek: The Next Generation.
- If you’re going to Alcatraz, get your tickets early. If you’re not going, it doesn’t matter when you get your tickets.
- The San Francisco National Cemetery is very popular—people are dying to get in there. (Get it?)
- There’s a zoo in San Francisco. If you’ve never been to a zoo before, than you haven’t been to this one either.
- Don’t bother bringing an issue of TV Guide on the Cable Cars ‘cause they’re not that kind of cable.
- Lombard street. Crooked. Lumbar support, so your back doesn’t get crooked. This joke still under construction.
- The Mission district has good burritos. They’re called “Missionary Style” burritos because even though they’re not exciting, they get the job done. Heyo!
- Facts: Golden Gate Park is neither golden, has gates, or any good places to put your car.
- “The Painted Ladies” is NOT a transvestite review, but an area with bunch of houses painted with more than two colors. I know, massively disappointing, right?
- Transamerica Pyramid, Coit Tower, Grace Cathedral, Palace of Fine Arts Theatre, SF Ferry Building, Golden Gate Bridge: you can buy postcards for these EVERYWHERE.
- Chinatown allegedly has some very nice restaurants, but none of them are Panda Express, so I don’t know.
- Haight-Ashbury is where LSD was invented, but I don’t know if it’s worth the “trip.” (Mwaah-mwaaa…)
Yes, a visit to “Frisco” should be on everyone’s bucket list. And when you’re here, be sure to call it “Frisco.” The locals love it when visitors say that. And when they ask for Rice-A-Roni. And when they complain about the cold and the fog and the traffic and your sore aching feet.