In [movie title] filmmaker [director] serves up [colloquial adjective phrase] [something good, but in a tone that damns with faint praise] and [another adjective phrase but opposite of the first one] [some vague qualities that movies should have]. That’s certainly [vague or better yet oblique pun on film’s subject] for a [genre] movie set in the world of [film’s subject or setting].
[Director’s last name] ([previous film by director]) is a [remark about visual approach] first and foremost, and s/he never lets the audience forget it. [One word from film’s title] is a monument to h/er/is [phrase about ego], with [some minor non-plot oriented detail from one moment in the movie]. It’s [pithy one-word label]. And the hallmarks of the [label] are [go to visceral description of visuals] that [verb] the eye at first, but then before long [opposite verb] it. It’s a case of [that first adjective you damned with] [adjective suggesting too much or too little].
[Slightly sarcastic compliment for] the work of [cinematographer, photographer, production designer, even second director] [h/er/is or their name(s)] {if said crewperson has wikipedia entry, crib from it}. They’re the true stars of [one word from film’s title], far more than lead actors [catalog of actors].
The stars, playing [some archetype] are there to [box office or public consumption reference] [verb-ing] [something about their faces and/or bodies].
The story: A [stack up adjective] [character identified by trope], [something that either started the film or appears in flashbacks] [something they then do]. Throw in some symbolism [pick something and mansplain it], [some recurring visual] ([pithy one-word reaction], and some [another recurring motiff] ([another pithy one-word reaction]) and you’ve got [this is the only part of the review that will be entirely unique and actually informative].
[David Barry-esque closer. Or just three sardonic words in a row]. Number of stars out of 3.
Italics: Film Title, with list of actors. Directed by director, written by Writer. Xyz minutes. Rated N for things its rated that for. Theater distribution, opening date if still currently limited.