What kind of question is that?

I don't know- an occupational question, I guess

Well you don't just go around asking people if people are firemen.

Oh really? What is there, some sort of social more attached to fireman that I don't know about?

Moray. It's pronounced moray. Not moore like Roger Moore. More AYE.

Oh. Like the eel?

Yes, like the eel.

Oh. So, is there some sort of social eel attached to firemen that I-

Look, it's not the same thing as the eel, it's just pronounced like it, okay?

Allright. Sheesh. Touchy.

Don't start.

Start what? You're the one who said it was the same thing.

No I didn't.

Yes you did. You said it was the same thing

I did not.

You did! You said-

No I did not!

This is just like you.

Sure it is.

It is. You are always doing this.

Doing what?

Saying something, then denying it two nanoseconds later.

Nano what?

Shall I start carrying around a tape recorder, to show you how often this happens?

What are these nano things?

Nanoseconds. You say something, and then three billionths of a seconds later, you-

Two.

What?

Two. You said two whatever-seconds.

Nanoseconds.

Whatever.

I did?

Yes.

Well, I admit that I did. Yes, I said two.

Yes.

See?

Oh God.

See how I can admit that? Now why can't you?

God, please. Kill me.

Admit you said that they were the same thing.

God, please kill him.

Admit it, and I'll take back fireman.

Take it back? What's to take back?

I'll admit that it was wrong to just blurt out if he was a fireman or not, if you'll admit you said that more the social thing was the same as the eel.

You know, it's times like this I wish I believed in Satan. I could sell my soul.

You're getting a good deal there, you know.

Huh? What are you talking about?

It's two for one

Come again?

Two for one. I admit that, a, I said two and then three, and, b, that fireman was wrong, and all you have to do is admit the social eel thing.

You are mad.

One admission from you, and the end of the whole mess.

You are mad and you have terrible breath.

Don't bring halitosis into this. Don't bring up hygiene, it's not relevant.

Relevant?

And don't change the subject.

What? like the way you pronounce fireman?

What's wrong with the way I pronounce fireman?

It's fire-man, not firemun. Everybody knows that.

Now you're being stupid.

Hey, I'll leave out hygiene if you leave out IQ.

That'll make us even I guess.

What did you say?

Nothing.

You muttered, just now, what did you say?

Forget about it. Do we have a deal?

Deal?

Yes. I admitted two things, you admit the one, and we're even.

. Will you admit firemun too?

I'm afraid I can't do that.

Why not?

Three for one is not good for me.

Not good for you? You started it!

I did not!

You did! Not only asking the question, but also pronouncing it funny.

Aha! So I didn't pronounce it wrong?

Alright, you got me there.

So no deal on the three for one.

Well, what about shall?

Shall?

You said, 'shall I start carrying around a cam-corder to show you-'

I said tape recorder.

Whatever. You did say shall.

What in the name of God is wrong with shall?

It's not English!

They say it in England all the time!

That's what I mean, you mangled-mouth moonie! It's not American English.

Oh, I see. I can only speak English as long as I don't do it the way the English do it!

Oh, please, that's not what I meant.

Is it their rule too, the one about moray and moore?

I'm going to stick my arm down my throat and yank out my heart.

And what was you're example? Roger Moore? Isn't he English?

He's British!

What the fliming flarning fanging farping hell's the difference?

You go to England. You go into a bar.

Pub.

Shut up. You go there. You call one of them English, not British. Then you mail me back your teeth, alright, tough guy?

Well, aren't we mister worldly?

And I want the mutter, too.

Hurngsgh?

I want the mutter, along with the two-three thing, and that you don't go around asking if someone is a fireman out of the blue, AND that it's fireMAN not mun, or the whole things off!

Off? You never said it was on!

You did!

But you weren't even close! And now this?

I was too close!

You weren't!

I was!

I think. Yes, I think. My brain is leaking out of my ears.

I was! I started asking for fireman, and you said no.

And you call that.being.close.?

You bet your shiny ass I do.

Hey.

Sorry.

So. Let me see if I've got this straight. I give you the two-three.

Yes.

. the fireman.

Right.

.FireMAN.

Uh-huh.

And the mutter?

Yup.

What does the mutter entail, exactly?

Just tell me what you said.

Uh-huh. And what do I get?

Just the moray moore.

That's- what's that? four for one?

Four for two, actually, and that's the same as two for one, technically.

Mathematically.

That's right. And it's better than one for nothing.

You lost me there.

You already gave me the two-three thing.

And what's the other thing I'm getting?

What? Oh yeah. The tape-recorder-cam corder thing.

I don't know.

Hey now. Like I said, four for two breaks down to two for one, which you were going to do anyway, whereas one for nothing- well, as we all know, division by zero implies infinity.

AHA!

Aha?

HA-ha! Got ya there! How's even-steven sound!

Even who?

And THERE'S a phrase I betcha they don't use in England. Even-steven, baby.

No, I think I'll reach down YOUR throat and pull out YOUR heart.

One for one. Yes, you're right, mister smoothy-man. I already gave you the two-three thing. But YOU admitted that firemun is not WRONG it's just FUNNY!

And that's good enough for you?

Maybe it is.

Maybe?

Perhaps.

Good synonym.

Thank you.

But, I don't think it is.

Oh really?

Yes, really. Because you wanted the deal all along.

But. then. you wanted it, too, right?

I don't know. The deal is starting to seem not like a deal anymore.

Except, of course, that you DO want to know what the mutter was.

Ooh, yeah, good one.

So, look like the ball's in my court.

Looks like it.

So here's what I want. I want moray eel, I want cam-corder. I want moonie, and and I want shiny ass.

But I already gave you shiny ass.

And you already gave me cam corder, but I want them both again.

Do I get everything again, too?

Uh. yes. I'll give you two-three again. But now I don't have to give you firemun.

Getting kind of bold, eh?

Well, I got something you want, and that makes me the man.

You mean the mutter.

That's right, the mutter.

I could mutter.

No you couldn't. You can't mutter.

I can.

You can't

I have.

You haven't. And if you have, well, now I'm ready for it. Mutter away, these ears, I'm like Cujo over here.

Whatever.

You see? That would have been the perfect place to mutter. You could have said 'And you always have been,' But you just don't have what it takes to mutter.

Whatever.

I got the mutter, baby, I hold all the cards, so give me moray, cam, moonie, and shiny ass, or me and my mutter walk out!

Well, maybe you will. But remember how you said you SHALL walk around with a TAPE recorder?

Yeah.

We'll looky here. Huh!

Hey!

Yeah.

That's a tape recorder

Yes, Virginia, there IS a sandy claws.

Have you been recording this whole conversation?

Oh, I don't know. What's it mean when the RECORD button is pushed in?

Damn you and you're technology!

Ain't it cool?

I don't believe this.

Who's the man?

I move that that tape is inadmissible!

Inadmissible? This isn't court!

That's illegal, you know. You can't tape someone without his knowledge!

Call the cops, then. Tell 'em even-steven's just been shot dead.

Look, destroy the tape, right now, and I'll give it all to you for free.

Why? I got it all right here.

Aw, c'mon, man. That isn't fair.

Fair? You want not fair? Not fair is just out of the blue asking if somebody is a fireman for no damn good reason. THAT'S not fair.

There's no need to get hostile.

And THEN! Making demands on cam corder and shiny ass. I got every right in the world to record these conversations, with people like you running around in it.

Running around in what?

The world. Which I have every right IN.

Oh.

And you know something else? I KNOW I didn't say more the social folkway, and moray, the eel, were the same thing, because the social folkway is from the Latin mos, or custom, and the eel is also from Portuguese, moreia, which is from Latin, yes, Latin again, murena, which is from Greek, muraina. And finally, it's never more, singular, it's always mores, plural.

Why isn't it ever singular?

That I don't know.

You, uh. you sure now a lot about moray.

Let's just say I've had conversations like this before.

Oh. Okay.

So are we through?

Are you going to play back that tape?

Maybe. I'm not sure. I MIGHT forget, if something better occupies my mind.

Okay. Alright.

.

So, is he?

Is he what.

Is he a fireman.

For the love of God! And your own mother! You just can't quit!

You shouldn't kick a man when he's down.

Don't you think I would have said something like, 'Yes! How did you know?' if he WAS a fireman?

Well, I don't know, this cam-corder-

TAPE.

Tape recorder, your knowledge of entomology-

ENTOMOLOGY is the study of bugs, YOU mean ETYMOLOGY

See? You're like I different person.

WHAT has THAT got to DO with FIREMEN?

Maybe you're a stickler for detail and the facts be damned.

Yes, I will destroy this tape, so there's no evidence of me killing you.

I mean, you might reject the question on principle, whether he's a fireman or not.

NO! HE. IS. NOT. A. FIRE. MAN. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Yes. Thankyou.

GOD!

I'm sorry that was so hard for you.

Like passing kidney stones.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Did you just mutter?

Yes.

What did you say?

Look.

What.

There aren't any batteries in this tape-recorder.

You mean?

We are even.

Steven?

Whoever.

.

.

Wanna trade mutters?

No.