Not that he's an asshole per se, just that this guy Moe is not all that. In my opinion. I am going to be real honest with you, I'm not even all that sure he's black. He walks around wearing traditional “African” clothes, which I gotta say baffles me because that continent is freakin huge so I don't know how one style of clothes can cover the whole place. But you know, the freaky patterns and the boxy hats.

His last name is Beek, which doesn't sound very African to me, but what do I know. Some of us will be at the deli passing the time maybe eating something with pork in it and Moe will roll in and place an order and even though everyone in the neighborhood knows he's Moe they kid behind the counter will say "name?" and Moe will go "Mr. Beek." Not Moe, even though everyone calls him Moe.

The he'll see us and eyeball our sandwiches and sort of wrinkle his nose. Look, jack, pork is here to stay, and if you're so damned African, are you sure being Muslim is the way to go? I mean, wasn't that one invented on another continent? Way I heard it, there's whole tribes of guys in African who practically worship pigs, herd them around, have huge elaborate wars with neighboring tribes over the damn things, then slaughter and eat them in a huge porky orgy once every three years.

Of course, that might be South America. I'm not sure. But I don't need some wanna-be black guy coming into our deli and making me feel bad for liking bacon. I got enough problems, I don't need to justify a damn sandwich. And it pisses me off because the other folks at my table, they'll either sorta kinda hide their sandwiches in the wrappers or behind their Pepsi, or if they come in after Moe and see him chowing down in some vegetarian bullshit they'll order the same damn thing.

One time some of us were in there and talking about something stupid, I don't know, Dukakis or something, and Moe shows up, and people are all like "Hey Moe" and "Hey Mr. Beek." and stuff. Not me. And he places his order and comes over to our table and sort of towers over us which makes me feel uncomfortable and personally I don't much like it when one person is standing and everyone else is sitting so I stand up and offer him my chair.

And this Moe guy gives me this look like I was forcing it on him. And he says "My people are used to standing, Sanjay, we didn't have chairs, back in the day." And he says it like we're supposed to respect them because they can stand for a long god damn time?

And I was fed up! So I said it. I said "You know, Moe, no offense, but you don't look all that African to me."

Room got real silent. Moe goes "I beg your pardon?"

"Your skin is lighter than mine, for one thing. I mean, those clothes, I could wear those clothes."

And he just looks at me. Nikki grabs my hand, says my name, but I brush her off.

"I happen to be a lighter-skinned black," Moe says.

"Oh, is that it?"

Then he sort of squints like he's talking to an idiot. "You do, realize, son, that words like 'quadroon' and 'octaroon' are considered offensive by my people, don't you?"

I never said it! I never used those word! I mean, literally, never even in my life! I know what they mean, seen 'em in a few books, mostly in gradeschool history books, but I have never once in my whole life said either of those words out loud. I was too stunned to reply.

So the kid behind the counter says "Avocado and sprouts for Mr. Beek." And you could feel people settle down, relieved. Then Moe sort of puffed his chest out, and looked around at all of us, cause, yeah, we weren't any of us black, so we must have all been in on it, right. And he says, in this really terrible James Earl Jones impression, "My middle name is Zam." Then he takes his sandwich and leaves the deli, robes whirling around him.

So I sit down and I'm looking at my crew to see if they think I'm an asshole. Nikki won't look me in the eye, and Chet is sort of looking real intense at his sandwich like it's a textbook and he's got a test in half an hour. But Vik's looking at me, with this smile on his face, and he goes "Moe. Zam. Beek." And then he starts laughing, and pretty soon we're all laughing.

About a week later, I saw Moe at the driving range. I'm not saying black people can't golf. But not dressed in a kilt.