When Gargoh painted The Christ of Lobsters he thought he had made up the subject entirely. Not so. Check the Mormon Bible.
Cancer strikes one in four Americans, each of whom has eaten fruit.
Naked and nude are not only states of undress, but flavors of chewing gum.
The common housefly isn’t, if you categorize them by hair.
Umbrellas get their name from Count Del, who coined the term some 500 years before their invention, by accident.
Honey makes a great Christmas ornament.
Yellow cars built before 1973 cannot be seen in 100% pitch darkness, except by angry bats.
Frozen cottage cheese pizza and chocolate buttermilk are available in the “Hell No” aisle of your local supermarket.
To earn a medical degree, the state of your birth must approve.
Black onions, like black pearls, make for rare, lousy, doorstops.
Gas prices are protected as an endangered species, according to the criteria in the poorly edited Endangered Species Manifesto.
Mickey Mouse has only four fingers. To flip the bird, he has to use the middle two.
Suicide is illegal, but Sue Inside (Miramax, 1992) isn’t.
The Staue of LIberty, built by some French dude, nonetheless has shaven armpits.
Clock a sneeze at 104 mph and you’ve made a friend for life.
Of all the joints in the world, the finger joints are closest to the knuckles.
Oxygen, unlike that big tree over there, is invisible.
Actually, a “breath” is two ins and an out. In between each breath is a solo out, called a “brothe.”
A woman born with her heart on the right side of her chest nonetheless can have a great rack, if she only tries.
Saliva glands grown on an eggplant produced twice as much saliva in the presence of unchewed Bubblicious.
The clinical term for the gas that escapes from humans is “oogy.”
The longest word ever shaved into a beard was “triplane.”
Thanks to internet sales, cardboard stock has risen about three bucks.
A chocolate chip shaped like David Caruso’s kidney was manufactured for charitable purposes on a telethon to raise money for public television station WPLJ in 2000.

"Let sleeping dogs lie,"
but, "shoot sleeping cats
with rubber bands."
Fleas flee. Monkeys have been known to monk. A badger once wore a badge for an all-animal old west show at the Felma County Zoo. But no Giraffe has ever ridden in a dirigible.
The death toll on our nation’s highway was a prime number for nine minutes on January 18th, 1974.
Due to the high cost of packaging, there is no tax on yodelling.
Five percent of the entire world lives somewhere on planet Earth.
One man in sixty will commit adultery by accident.
While approximately 1 out of 25 people suffers from asthma, 3 out of 25 take full advantage of it.
England has had the same system of government for the entire life of it’s current leader.
Chickens can play soccer.
A quart of sweat was the wager on the last hand of poker John Wayne ever played.
The very rare $20,000 bill is accepted as ID in most banks for the gentleman potrayed on it: Al Haig.
Of all the money spent on clothes, none is used for desktop printers.
Two out of every three colorblind men are not the other guy.
Coffee that causes cancer is called carcinogenic.
The vocabulary of the average parrot is good enough to buy ice cream. and yet, all fowl are lactose intolerant.
The first man born with a geneticallty superior ear for using a telephone logged some 1,140 calls in a single year.
Due to a printer’s error, a man in Minnesota paid $33 million for one lottery ticket, and won only a dollar.
The poverty line, established in 1982, droops in July.
Toys made of broken glass and nails must carry a warning label: “May cause drowsiness.”
A hospital must have its garbage federally inspected to check for lost elderly persons once per month.
Paper maché burritoes should nevertheless not be stuffed with refried beans.
Large-print golf courses use holes the size of tractor tires and beach-balls for balls.
Hotdogs can be braided.
Pizzas were originally triangular.
For heartburn, "Pepto Bysmal," but for spleen burn, just prayers, man.
Apples are the only fruit that do not kick in their sleep
Post Menopausal Syndrome, also called PMS, is also eased by chocolate.

Sleeping polar bears can
be as dangerous as flying ones.
Cut a red rose, cut a yellow rose, cut a green carnation, which will last longer? That’s right the, the carnation: it’s fake.
Chickens, having no lips, have limited plastic surgery options.
One in ten Americans has enough health coverage to cover the other nine in a germ free, accident free, hospitals-for-free world.
Of the more than 1000 chemicals found in a typical cup of coffee, some 500 weren’t even trying all that hard to hide.
Every dildo made of the State of Kentucky is publicly owned.
Teenagers between the ages of 27 and 34 make up for at least no percent of the avergae Britney Spears concert audience.
Absorbent band-aids, called “blood sponges” by the ancient Hamurabian tribes of Chile, were invented on the rarest day of the year: February 29th.
Orangutans can sing.
According to a strict interpretation of Einsteins General Theory of Reletivity, all bananas should cost less than they typically do.
One in every seven cars in Los Angeles is an “automobile.”
Don't flush the toilet while visiting a head tribesman in the African veldt: they don’t have any.
"Cabbage Patch" dolls were succeeded by the less well known but somehow more addictive "Nicotine Patch" dolls.
By law, bees stings are covered by dental insurance in Terpsichore, Idaho.
Gorillas won’t stick out their tongues at you if they don’t have one anymore.
It is illegal to have sexual relations in public with a rock, but not to marry one, in the state of California.
At six feet under, even in balmy Texas, an interred body rests at a cool 47 degrees.
According to Colorado law, it’s not “streaking” if you wear at least one mitten. A glove, on the other hand, doesn’t count.
Piltdown Hamster was not discovered a fraud until some 13 years after the Piltdown Man fraud was discovered, due to hubris.
Frogs will eat toads, but toads will not eat frogs. Actually, they will.
Weigh a cow at sea level on the Pacific, then walk it across America and weigh it at sea level on the Atlantic, and the weight will not be the same. This has nothing to do, however, with each ocean’s volume.
Actually, his name was supposed to be Donald McRonald, but a typing error gave us his current name.
Laughter was not the best medicine until roughly AD 1245.
If attacked by emus, convince a mosquito to try and suck blood from a banana. Scientist do not kow why, but this fascinates emus.
The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.

According to Vidal Sassoon, "helmet head"
is ten times deadlier than "hat head."
Nipples tend to flatten as the day wears on.
Sneezes are like fingerptrints, and can be used by the FBI to identify criminals if any happen to be around commiting crimes.
The first condom was made out of a live alligator and worked poorly.
To date, pregnancy is still the best “natural” contraceptive.
Flying hocky pucks travel up to 100 mph, but floating pucks top out at about 3 mph.
The first nude prison, Albany’s "Fordham Correctional Facility for the Criminaly Insane," was a horrible failure.
No two otters have the same number of teeth, except for the ones that do.
The mass excitinction of the Dodo is due partly to their making excellent umbrella stands.
Coffee in Saudi Arabia is made without cheese.
Neanderthals knew shiatsu message.
In Finland, the fine for not wearing pants is the same for not wearing borscht in your hair: nothing.
Add up all the money every bank teller in the US loses in a year, and divide by the number of bank tellers in the US, to get the average amount of money lost by a bank teller in the US every year.
Howdy Doody had one freckle for every state in the US (at the time): 57.
Deodorant is more powerful than antiperspirant in the oft-discussed arena of hocky puck substitutes.
Christopher Columbus never used a cell phone.
Bhutan, makers of the dye used to make some pencil erasers green instead of pink, does not employ anyone born in September.
Before fasting for peace, Gandhi once built a life-like replica of Genghis Khan’s wife Kitty out of toothpicks.
It takes newborns about 8 days to get used to the horrible smell of oxygen, hence the crying.
“X-Files” creator Chris Carter was once hospitalized for three days after nearly asphyxiating from uncontrollable laughter after an associate ended a rather elaborate pun with the punch line, “The tooth is out there.”
A woman’s heart will beat longer than a man’s, owing to life spans being longer for women.
Bugs Bunny’s voice, supplied by Mel Blanc, would not have been able to speak fluent Mandarin.
More CIA agents own fish than FBI agents, not counting administration.
Rubber, such as in a tire, will not freeze unless cold.
Robin Williams has had more hole-in-ones than any other comedian.
The sun is not a star. It is a donut. Okay, it’s a star.
To tell the difference between a titfinch and African elephant, offer them jello. The African elephant won’t eat it.