If all the lightning bolts that had ever occured were collected in one spot, man, huh?
No lion has ever opened a can of Dr. Pepper without making a fucking mess.
The phrase “Love Seats” became the name for furniture only after it has lost its power as a command.
Bubble-steak, popular in India, can be prepared over 100 ways.
Clockwise, clocksmart, clockwary-- all are used to describe celery.
As an exercise, professors at the Institute for Mathematical Achievement have students calculate the “interest” on Daylight Savings Time. This inspired Stephen Hawking's “I Have No Interest in Time (But I Am Interested),” which he never wrote.
The green screen used in filmaking to mask in backgrounds, can actually be any color-- blue, red, white-- even plaid, if you use about a thousand cameras.
Structurally, no igloo will ever be over 5280 feet tall.
No mater what color you paint them on the side of your car, flames will be recognizable as just that.
The amount of cement required to build a life-size replica of the planet earth would be enough to build a sidewalk from here to, roughly, pretty much anywhere.
Due the curvature of the earth, most miles aren’t really miles at all.
Winnie the Pooh may be Canadian.
A nanosecond is one trillionth of 16 minutes 40 seconds.
Millionaires in the Ukraine are actually trillionaires.
“No smoke without a fire...” not true. For example: barbecue sauce. Smoky.
Everyday, 2,247,676 sad “emoticons” are typed on the internet, 45% of them by Wilson “Sadness” Jones, a man from Tuskagee.
To shave your own head is called "automishirsutetion."
Beef jerkey and leather sandals are 99% genetically the same.
A tribe in East Anglia once built a camp fire out of 37 issues of the 1993 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition-- the next day, the lamest goat in the tribe bore two kids.
Digital Polaroids-- a process by which photos taken with a camera slow;y fade into a computer screen, do not require that the photographer vigourously shake the monitor.
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, and dogs are man’s best friend, so a dog made of diamonds would probably be fought over.
If you had one dime for every groove on a dime, you’d have enough money to buy the Chili’s Rib Dinner, but not for the tip, unless your server sucked.
There are 8 million grains of sand to the quart, and a quart of water weights two pounds, but sand doesn’t weight the same as water, so who knows if the Sandman needs weight watchers.
Antonio William Cervantes, a house painter from Plinth, memorized all of Shakespeare in one day, and promptly forgot it the next, all without telling a single soul. Easy come, easy go.

Evil badgers, known as bad-assgers, have been seen hassling passerby at the Bronx Zoo.
"Brontology," the study of thunder, and "brontasauri," thunder lizards, and "Emily Bronte," the thunder writer, are all studied vigourously at “universities.”
The silver buttons, buttons, button,s down Mary Mack, Mack, Mack’s back, back, back were actually made of tin, tin, tin.
Running up the to the President of the United States to violently give him counterferit money is easily the stupidest crime anyone could commit.
Frozen candles burn.
Olive Oyl was going to be called Castor Oil until it was pointed out to Popeye’s creator that Castor Oil can also be used as a jet-plane lubricant-- the jet plane was not invented at the time of Popeye’s creation.
Chuck Dickens’ Eb Scrooge was modelled after Chuck’s son Bub.
Under the right atmospheric conditions, a dirigible will either “float” or “crash to the ground like a rock.”
Diamond “mining” is a bit of a misnomer, since the substance that comes out of the ground is not what appears on the rings of nice ladies.
China invented gunpowder and paper money, and yet, somehow, not bank robbery.
Although spider silk is stronger than rawhide, pound for pound, it is nevertheless creepier.
Scalene triangles were named after Dick Scalene, an adult-film star and a crippled midget.
A dropped glass will shatter if it has not been tempered in process that involves coating it with lead to a thickness of several feet. The irony is this process will also shatter the glass.
Dirty money is no joke: the bacteria found on 7 percent of all American paper money includes names with enough consonants to make a sailor blush.
The oil in a supertanker could grease the hair of the cast of Grease for nearly three weeks.
A cold effects not just the lungs and sinuses and throat, but every part of the body, including the toe nail on the left big toe- every part.
Less known but just as poignant is the Canadian haiku; like it’s Japanese cousin it has a strict syllabic structure, is about nature, and is very pretty when written on rice paper in black ink. The main difference is the way “about” is pronounced.
Paris got its start as the World’s fashion center in 1843 when the “American Wild West” craze led to the introduction of the 243 Gallon Hat.
Shoes made of licorice and cream cheese are not common to Derbyshire, UK, despite their therepeutic effect on the lower back.
The violin gets it’s name from the "Vile Inn," a horrible little motel in Vienna where the instrument was invented.
Calenders divide “years” into “months,” “months” into “weeks,” and “weeks” into “days.” To divide further you need a clock. Separating days into hours on a calender is pointless in that there is no common “feel” for what hour it is, and at the same time everyone knows when, for example, “three o’clock” occurs.
Even Cockney rhyming slang has difficulty with “orange.”
Britney Spears’ favorite crayon is "robin’s egg blue," George W. Bush’s is "blue bell," and Marilyn Manson’s, suprisingly, is "red death murder disease green."
64 crayons in a box of 64 crayolas, 64 squares on a chessboard. In 1988, abstract artist Hans Gomez was kicked out of the Abstract Abbatoir when it was discovered his masterpiece “Lemon Sunday” was not abstract, but an accurate representation of a chess game between Mikhail Federovich and Mandeep Singpur; each line being a move.
It is not known for certain if socks can be made out of water; the general consensus thus far is “probably not.”
Crystal diamonds made of glass were discovered in the faux fake crown jewels exhibit, a ficitonal display of false inaccuracies.

Herbs in Ancient Egypt were called "Herbikhamen".
Made of “wood,” the Mayflower was as susceptible to fire as any structure, even when in the water.
The human brain thrives on blood, “the redder the better.”
The main ingrediants in ice-cream, sugar and milk, are farmed at locales so removed from one another that ice-cream's invention could not have been an accideent.
Had Lando Calrissian been at the Last Supper, he would not have used a fork.
In ancient Greece, barbers were not allowed to sing the blues.
Germans eat with their hands and feet, except for those who do not have feet. They still eat, though.
At over 1000 degrees centigrade, the average temperature of an exploding mosquito is known colloquially as “hot.”
Baby Ruth candy bars are used a medium of communication among the Pidgen People of South Monomano
Australian Shirraz, known for its quick wit and slow burning sarcasm, is not a wine to be take lightly.
No two fish eggs are alike, except for the fish admitted to England’s Eton.
Contrary to popular belief, the Pacific Ocean does not cover any number of “square” miles, preferring to cover “round” miles.
Pi is the only number adequatly transcendental to accuratly mislead spies as to the circumference of Russia. Fortunatly the CIA knows this and is working on a cure.
Foot binding, long a source of amusement for bored children of parents who worked in ace bandage factories, was soon adopted by the Japanese in ancient times. Since then ace bandages have been re- “invented” no less than 4 times.
Sea salt, unlike table salt, is difficult to sprinkle in potatoes. But not impossible.
Polygamy is not illegal if a fake priest does the ceremony and there’s no consummation. Plays, for example.
Oddly enough, the best material for the making of hang gliders is the lining of a tit-mouse bladder. However, it would take more tit-mouses to make one hang glider than there are little kids who giggle whenever they hear “tit-mouse.”
Johnson and Johnson have adequelty suppressed the competition in the form of Smith and Smith, Brown and Brown, Dinguswombat and Flennaglekitty, and of course the once popular "Johnson and Johnson and Johnson".
Before clocks were invented, hurricanes in the northern hemisphere were said to spin “that-a’way.” Hurricanes in the southern hemoisphere were said to spin “like this sorta” with an accompanying hand gesture.
Cannibalism, as a source of protein, is not a vegetarian option, unless your dad was a broccoli.
Pirates have been accused of more crimes at sea than any other stripe-wearing earring-having peg-leg stomping arrgh-muttering folks in the Carribean.
Virgin olive oil—- yes. Virgin Castor oil—- maybe. Virgin erotic massage oil—- not for long.
Dyssenteray, otherwise not known as “the sleeping sickness,” has not killed no less than neither 18 nor 25 people not living near Nothing, Nevada.
If your first name rhymes with your last name, this is know as “poemnomen.”
Statues in China can be tried and convicted but almost always get time off for good behavior.
Extending the phrase “don’t eat yellow snow” to include every color in the rainbow is probably a good idea.
9/8ths of all diseases can be prevented by not getting them.

Good witches are often given a bad name in the press, thanks to "wartism.".
Panda bears, lovable and cuddly, nevertheless make useless shrapnel.
Although not illegal, it is not a good idea to eat breakfast and dinner at the same time in Japan.
Fear of 13 spiders walking under a ladder through the path of a black cat who just broke a mirror on top of a really tall building is known as “wellnoshitaphobia.”
Wearing two wigs at the same time has been known to cause laughter, cancer, and stock market fluctuations.
If every President's face was to be carved onto Mount Rushmore, fewer republicans would get elected, since the avarage GOP member is older, and therefor wrinklier, and therefore harder to carve.
Spiderman, actually, was conceived to have been terrified of extremely large shoes.
The first thing believed to have been covered with chocolate and eaten was not peanuts, but the virgin Mxx’ll’kym, offered to the Volcano god Pogolonor.
Four out of five dentists agree- even in Antarctica, flossing is essential to good dental hygiene.
The number of children born to one person has yet to exceed the number born to 58 people who had children.
Port, a dessert wine, can not be consummed by elephants (unless it's after dinner).
Redwood trees are fireproof, waterproof, pick-proof, and 75 proof if distilled and laced with brandy.
Attempting suicide is not illegal in China, but succeeding is.
X-rays show that the Mona Lisa was painted on top of itself 3 or 4 times.
Technically, what Sumo wrestlers wear is called a “bikini.” Telling them so is the only way known to make them giggle.
Showing respect to your elders in Thailand is often accomplished by going along with the tired old joke, “Owa Tagoo Siam.”
New Year’s day was celebrated nearly 100 times per century in ancient Persia.
Chop Suey, also known as the gentleman’s suey, was invented by a scalawag.
The Marx brothers, excluding Groucho, were known for their not having Groucho’s mustache.
Until a clerical error was noticed and corrected, for years Maryland was the official capital of Birmingham.
Geologically, you’re already dead.
Vincet Flag, an actor, was able to avoid prosecution for smugglign by adding the G to his last name, a defense still legal in Ontario.
Brazil’s national anthem makes no reference to peanuts, which some people have an allergy for.
Laughing and crying use approximatly the same muscles if you are doing either while beating your children.
Kansas is known as the Sunflower State. The Brie State was taken.
A “probuscis” is a nose spelled with one's nose in the air.
Walk over the border into Canada. Stick a little American flag in the ground. Say “Y’all’s ours, now.” See who cares.