May 14th thru the 20th, 2006these entries have been copied from my blog at MySpace
Previous Entry | Archive Index | Current Blog | Next Entry Mock Dan Brown, Get Famous Ive decided to write a book about the day Jesus Christ cheated at a game of cards. Ive decided to do this because Im hoping it will piss off the Christian Fundamentalists. They seem to have nothing better to do than give free publicty to Dan Browns trashy little novel, assuring that it will eventually reach six hundred and sixty six print runs. They lambast his book for being blasphemous and untrue, which is absolutely absurd. First of all, its a piece of fiction. Secondly, it says absolutelty nothing to dissaude one from the religion of christianity, at no point calling into question the usefulness or validity of this faith-based system. All it does it make claims as to the reality of the living (historical) Christ, the Magdalene his wife, and the meaning of the term "Holy Grail." And not even thatit merely toys with idea that there was some sort of secret that Da Vinci and his brethren where trying to protect. The professors of Art, the Renaissance, and literature in general are not rising up to lambast this poorly written book. And when I say poorly writtenindeed, when I said trashy beforeI did not do so lightly, for research and verissimilitude aside, the book is just bad. The prose style alone would earn, at best, a B- in any sophomore writing class. If the Christian Fundamentalists would merely assert that Dan Browns writing style is as simplistic, over-dramatic, often pointless, poorly paced, and nauseating in its formulaic predictability, maybe people would listen. But the Christian Fundamentalists have garnered a real penchant for inciting antipathy and fomenting disrespect from almost every single intellectual for the past 200 years. I admit it, I find the idea of conspiracy theories very attractive, so I would not be least surprised to discover that the CFs are secretly controlled by a small, evil faction of Madison Avenue publicists, who are hired in secret by various people to cast derision on books, movies, television shows, and political movements, just to get the foaming-at-the-mouth-for-controversy public to pay attention and buy, buy, buy. So, me too. I'll write a book about the day Jesus Christ cheated at a game of cards, and get rich and famous. Maybe they will make my book into a movie If I am lucky, by then Hugh Jackman will be as respected as Tom Hanks and hey can play the lead. Im not up on my hot French actresses, but Im sure we can find one. Ron Howard wont direct Im sure, but maybe J.J. Abrams will be availableI simply LOVE Alias. Now, I hope I dont have to do as much research as DB allegedly did. Ah, what the hell, lets just admit he did, even if he was wrong, jumped to conclusions, or was not thorough. I dont want to have to read anything. I guess Ill have to read his book again thankfully, that wont take too long. He sure writes a FAST novel, dont he! Lets see, what else, Ill need a plot. How do we come to know this about Jesus Christ a fifth gospel? Well, theres lots of extra Gospels, theres a new one by Judas himself they just found. .I knowIll have some ancient intellectual be the protector of the secret way to take bits from each Gospel to make a sort of Meta gospel, but there will pieces missing! And this Fifth gospel will have a bit about Jesus Cheating at cards, which is why the church repressed it. Yeah! Okay, need an ancient intellectual. Hmm Shakespeare? But that would mean I would have to read lots of Shakespeare. Nooooo thank you. Newton! Yes! Not too ancient, but screwier than a vodka an orange juice in a klein bottle. Okay, now, main character. Thats easy: a man who explicates Tool lyrics for their religious references. And Ill listen to Tool as I write it. Sweet. Lets see. This was Dan Browns second book, and Ive never been published before. I HAVE written books before, but mostly I write short stories. The only books Ive written are about a guy named Dirk Damage. So, why not. This will be a Dirk Damage novel. Ill have to mimic Dan Browns style, of course, so people KNOW I am making fun of him, not JUST ripping him off. Okay, here we go. Ill write the first paragraph right now. Ill-respected shelf-restocker Jack Helperhit stumbled through the metal detector of the bookstores music and DVD section. He slapped at the nearest punk-pop CD he coud find, Green Days Dookie. Tearing at the cellophane, the seventeen year-old kid ripped open the case until the CD flew out and away from him, and Jack tripped on his shoelaces trying to catch it. Not bad, eh? Betcha cant wait for the rest.
Goin t' see Damone Last night we had the kickball and lost but I played this time, at least. 3 at-kicks, with two fly-outs and a single, advanced to second on the next one, but that was all. 4-1. After we went to a dive on the locks that was fun and I ate some of a club sandwhich. Mitch Hedberg on club sandwiches, anyone? Today, nuthin much goin on. Watched a coupla episodes of Monk, season 1. Goin to a concert in a few minutes, Damone, aw yeah, you heard that right, tricycle bandits. Tell you's 'bout it later. Oh, and you're all in bog trouble ("you all" being those silly enough to read this dumb blog-- what's a blog for, really?) cause I have been organizing the hard drives and found a buncha unpublished writings I wrote. I'll MySpace 'em. That'll yawn ya.
Trying to be Productive No civilized person should have to rise before 7 am. The uncivilized should be allowed to sleep till 9. Arrgh. I'm awake. It is Wednesday. Last nigth as I was drifting off, I was trying to think of a poetic way to describe the night sky. I was on my couch, the sliding glass door open so I could enjoy the night air. When i was a kid, we always used black crayons to fill in the night sky, but the sky is really sort of a grey color, or if you're lucky, purple. Indigo. Then I remembered how much I dislike poetry so I just went to sleep. Coffee was last night, but Monday night was the Damone concert at the Crocodile Cafe. Whoo! Let me get this part out first-- while my friend and I waited in the bar for the show to start, some dude came up to buy a beer, and broke wind, right next to us. Silent but deadly. Turns out it was the lead guitarist for the band. Forever tainted. The show was pretty good thoughj-- bunch of leather-wearing, long-hair flayling metal kids. They rocked it pretty hard. It was a good time. Okay, so there. Then last night was coffee, whadayagonnado, no surprises, except one friend gave me a new rubber duck. And this morning, my boss sent me a link that a friend of his had sent for a rubber duck store. Maybe I need to get back into the rubber duck thing. Maybe. I dunno. Oh, yesterday, I watched The Aristocrats. Finally. Fascinating documentary.I won't spoil it, if you don't know the joke, but it was fun to watch. I, of course, now have my own version of the joke, which I will tell anyone who's bored enough to listen to it.
Illegal Blogging That's all. Boring, eh? Maybe I can put up a picture here... but who... or what... This person on the right sort of reminds me of someone I used to know. Well, just the way she looks. Her personality is VERY different. I mean on the show she's on. Was on. I think I like her personality better. So that's good, right? Whatever. This is just an experiment in blogging.
bad poetry moment
Nuffin Whoa nelly. It has been a while since I blogged. Let's see. I saw that movie American Dreamz (dreams with a Z). It was purty funny. Funnier than I thought it was going to be, but maybe not as funny as it could have been if I was an actual viewer of American Idol. That Mandy Moore's got something-- I mean something besided cheek bones that look as if they are trying to ear her eyeballs. Don't get me wrong, I think she's an attractive woman, if for no other reason she doesn't seem to play into the Hollywood anorexia game. I'm just sayin. She reminds me of that guy from Catch 22. The one who stuck apples in his cheeks. I played WoW today, for about 90 minutes, for the first time in nearly 2 weeks. Dakota roamed around the wailing caverns. Maybe I'll play again tomorrow. Reading The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents. Terry Pratchet's young-adult (i.e. Harry Potter level) novel of the discworld. I've read it before, but there's two others, so I thought I'd backtrack. I am waiting for Thud! to hit paperback, and then I'll start all over at the beginning, like I do. I've read those discworld books a bunch of times. I need to someday finish that book me and a buddy where writing, inspired by Pterry's oeuvre. Someday. We'll see. Can't wait to see Da Vinci Code! Heard it was worse than the book, somehow! Amazing! Want to also see Celestine Prophecy. Maybe should try to read that book again, even though I had to quite after a few chapters, since it was so painful. I admit it. I am attracted to bad writing the same way rubberneckers are attracted to car wrecks. Exactly the same way. Egad! Love you all, even those of you who suck. Mwah! (That's a kiss noise).
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I just got down doing an 8 port punch down for my CCNA class. I tested the cables, and alas, I have a short, in copper 5 on #12 (we are using 9-16). I am only telling you this because I am doing it from class. I am the only one here. Everyone else, left, including the teacher. I should leave too, but I kind of like the quiet hum of all the routers and switches in the background. Reminds me of the good old days as an undergrad. There, it wasn't routers, just a bunch fo PCs, and me early enough in the morning that I was the only one there. Usually to play a MUD. Oh, speaking of which, it's day 8 of no WoW. And not for any particular reason. I think about playing... and there's no motivation.