October 4th, 2006

Anyone in the audience Jewish? [random cheers] Konichiwa. Today is Yom Kippur, and I wanted to apologize to the Jews for my not being Jewish. No one laughed by the Jews got that joke.

Have you ever been doing laundry, and you think, I oughta just clean this shirt too, so you take it off, and in it goes. And then you're like, well, I've been wearing these jeans for a few weeks, so in they go too. And then, why the hell not, you slip off your undies, toss those in. And then the manager of the laundromat comes over and says sir? You shouldn't mix your coloreds with your white. That's when I say, fuck you man, I don't practice apartheid.

I've decided to teach yoga. But you have to specialize to teach yoga in this town. You can’t throw a yoga mat without hitting a yoga instructor in this town. So I'm going to specialize. I'm going to teach yoga to quadruple amputees I'm going to teach them poses like The Lettuce Leaf. The Sleeping Turtle. The Sushi Roll. The Hard Boiled Egg. And my personal favorite: The Human Throw pillow.

I have a friend who's blind, and he subscribed to Playboy. Did you know you can get playboy in Braille? I had no idea. He says he just feels it up for the articles. I wanna know why he's got so many calluses. On his tongue.

Someone the other day asked me if I had accepted Jesus as my personal savior. Personal? No-- I got the group rate. These priests gave me a 50 dollar voucher at a Christian bookstore to listen to their presentation. It's a pretty good deal. I get Jesus for two weeks every year, but not on Christmas or Easter, those are black out dates. And if I can't use my Jesus one year, I can sell my time to a friend for, like, 200 hundred bucks. Last year a buddy of mine got caught with some gay porn, so I sold him a week of my Jesus and he still gets to go to heaven.

I'm not an alcoholic [hiccup]. I'm just differently chemicalled. My mom says I'm a disappointment because I drink so much. She says how can you treat me like this after I was in labor for 14 hours? Hey, mom, don't blame me. It wasn't my fault. You wanna blame someone, blame the guy who sold dad the 12 pack of beer. Blame Ford for making really wide back seats. If you wanna blame someone, blame gramma for letting you out of the house in the slutty short skirt, ya tramp.

I joined a kickball team. And that was stupid, because everyone on the team hates me. We're playing, and I catch the ball, right? And this girl next to me is shouting, second base! Second base! So I grab her tits… she gets mad and smacks me, now I'm off the team. Stupid eighth graders.