January 19th, 2007

It's Colder in San Jose
My wife has suggested that while the cold in San Jose at this time of year is not as bad as the recent snaps in Seattle (where my son lives) and the Midwest (where we are from originally), I must disagree. The weather we have been experiencing here in San Jose has been worse than any that has been experienced anywhere in the know universe, even since the big bang intelligently created everything, all in a huge seven-day explosion.

Never before have so many suffered so long with so little heat, or hope, or compassion from others. Apparently everyone thinks that it is the actual temperature that is the sole contributor to the total misery we have been subjected to over the past few weeks. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It is the change in the temperature relative to the average that has reduced us to a shivering mass of hopelessly frozen humanity.

If the temperature drops below zero in Minnesota, few people even notice. This is because the people that live in Minnesota are genetically capable of dealing with this temperature. It is a common fact that people that live in Minnesota have developed, over several millennia of evolution (assisted by the divine hand of God) a layer of adipose tissue similar to that found in polar bears and Packers Fans. This tissue allows Minnesotians to be totally comfortable to temperatures down to almost zero degrees Kelvin.

In stark contrast to this adaptation, those individuals that have lived more than three years in the Bay Area have evolved a thinner epidermis that can only tolerate changes in temperature in the range of single digits. This adaptation is the result of generations of plastic surgery which now can be done with an emery board and a melon-baller.

In order to better appreciate the impact of this advance in genetic superiority, I have developed a temperature scale which I call the Edwards Scale which works as follows:

• 0 degrees Edwards is defined as the temperature at which all the people in Silicon Valley must go to Cabo san Lucas or Puerto Vallarta (equivalent to 50 degrees Fahrenheit).

• 100 degrees Edwards is defined as the temperature at which all people in Silicon Valley must go to an air-conditioned mall (equivalent to 80 degrees Fahrenheit).

• 1 degree Edwards = .33 degrees Fahrenheit.

So you can see that 32 degrees E ("frickin freezing") is actually about 60 degrees Fahrenheit. When God abandoned us (probably because we put Schwarzenegger back in office) the temperature here plummeted to 24 degrees F; this was actually minus 72 degrees E, which is colder than the moons of Uranus, (particularly if Uranus is living in Minnesota).

Thus it is easy to understand how we truly have suffered greatly. A million years from now (God willing), when geologist bore down through the layers of civilizations come and gone, and locate our thin layer of existence, I am sure they will note with amazement how we managed to survive this geological ice age with nothing more that flip flops and tank tops.

The Proud. The Strong. The Delicate. I salute us.

---Dan Edwards