{"id":1901,"date":"2017-12-07T09:20:59","date_gmt":"2017-12-07T17:20:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/?p=1901"},"modified":"2017-12-07T09:20:59","modified_gmt":"2017-12-07T17:20:59","slug":"politically-motivated-noir-parody-in-ten-tweets","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/2017\/12\/07\/politically-motivated-noir-parody-in-ten-tweets\/","title":{"rendered":"Politically Motivated Noir Parody in Ten Tweets"},"content":{"rendered":"

\n(posted on Twitter 12\/6\/2017\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Sitting at my PC and trying to decide if staring at Twitter or the half-empty bottle of gin on my desk was going to do me more damage. The bottle used to be half full, but at 9 am I realized the day wasn\u2019t even half-over yet, so I improvised. #TweetNoir 1\/10<\/p>\n

\n

Then she walked in. And by she I mean another tweet from one of them liberal types with the long legs and a longer list of grievances. Actually, I\u2019m guessing about the legs. But never mind. She had something to say re: Trump #TweetNoir 2\/10<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cLook here, dick.\u2019 She cooed. \u201cHow\u2019d you know my name?\u201d I snarled. \u201cIt\u2019s written on your door.\u201d And she wasn\u2019t lying. There on the cheap glass in cheaper acrylic, \u201cDick Detective, Twitter Addict.\u201d Not the pithiest, but then I\u2019m not even sure what pithiest means. #TweetNoir 3\/10<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cAlright,\u201d I burbled. \u201cLet\u2019s hear it.\u201d She took a seat in my feed and let loose. \u201cMueller\u2019s got Trump\u2019s bank records, see. The big cheese is about to get busted or embarrassed.\u201d She smiled the smile of a thousand lethal retweets. #TweetNoir 4\/10<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cWhat do you want me to do about it,\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019ve got, maybe, a 100 followers, 150 tops on a good day if I lure a few \u2018bots with gratuitous hashtags.\u201d #GratuitousHashtags, by the way, is my middle name. I guess Mom was on some major painkillers when I was born. #TweetNoir 5\/10<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cEvery little bit counts,\u201d she said. \u201cGet creative. Write one of those stupid #TweetNoir things. Make it a thread. Go crazy, ya lazy, privileged, upper-middle class white man.\u201d That one wasn\u2019t written on my door, but she had me pegged, but good. 6\/10<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cFine. I\u2019ll see what I can do,\u201d I managed. I started rummaging in my desk for a pencil and the legal pad I\u2019d swiped from a lawyer\u2019s office, which is just the kind of self-indulgent irony that kept me from getting too many followers in the first place. #TweetNoir 7\/10<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cThat\u2019s all I\u2019m asking,\u201d she coo\u2019ed. Again with the cooing. Either she was trying to seduce me or I was in serious need of a thesaurus. Most likely the latter. I\u2019m good with words like I\u2019m good with booze: the more I have, the less I know what I\u2019m doin\u2019. #TweetNoir 8\/10<\/p>\n

\n

She got up and left, which is to say, my feed was starting to fill up with video game tweets and dad jokes. It ain\u2019t easy, being a Twitter addict. Hence the booze. But then nothing that\u2019s easy is worth it, according to some crap I read in a book once. #TweetNoir 9\/10<\/p>\n

\n

Speaking of booze, I took another look at that bottle of gin. Now that I had a case, something to occupy me for a few minutes, the bottle was starting to look half full. I guess I\u2019d call that a win. #TweetNoir #ImpeachTrump #GoMuellerGo theguardian.com\/us-news\/2017\/d\u2026<\/a> 10\/10<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(posted on Twitter 12\/6\/2017\u00a0 Sitting at my PC and trying to decide if staring at Twitter or the half-empty bottle of gin on my desk was going to do me more damage. The bottle used to be half full, but at 9 am I realized the day wasn\u2019t even half-over yet, so I improvised. #TweetNoir … <\/p>\n

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