{"id":2038,"date":"2020-05-04T12:16:42","date_gmt":"2020-05-04T19:16:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/?p=2038"},"modified":"2020-05-04T12:16:42","modified_gmt":"2020-05-04T19:16:42","slug":"review-i-came-upon-my-beverly-clearly","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/2020\/05\/04\/review-i-came-upon-my-beverly-clearly\/","title":{"rendered":"Review: I Came Upon My Beverly, Clearly"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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I Came Upon My Beverly, Clearly<\/em>, is an anonymous epic poem written in a style utterly unlike anything by Edmund Sears<\/a>, which tells the story of a man, named Nomens, who reads Ramona The Brave<\/a><\/em> as a child, falls in love with the character, and as he grows, so does she, in his mind and in his fantasies about her:\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Run Ramona, run from your\nChildhood through menses through my\nAge-appropriate dreams, you, now, my\nCollegiate coquette.\u00a0<\/em><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
In his dotage he struggles with Alzheimers, confusing the character with her misspelled author, and relives the terror of his middle-aged years when he was diagnosed with a low sperm count, which rendered his ejaculate less cloudy:\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n
As clear as weak tea, unsweetened,\nFor 'tis sugars, yea, that giveth\nThe impregnating potable its ironic\nBriny breath.<\/em><\/pre>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
In order to hide this infertility he chooses to “finish” any sexual episode onto the heaving bosoms of his imaginary beloved, giving the impression that it is this modus interuptus<\/em> that leaves them childless, and not the failings of his swimmers:\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n
I came upon my Beverly
Clearly, splashed my alibi for
Making no new Nomens on her
Moisty mamms.<\/em><\/pre>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
Nomes tries to provide solace to his imaginary child-now-grown-wife-bride as she silently cries and wipes his inadequacies from her perkies: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n
Come, Beverly, for I have,
Let me pat thy ample rump
As an inadequate means of
Soggy succor.<\/em><\/pre>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
Saddened, Nomens seeks his own solace in a three-volume set: Normal Sized Nutz: One Man’s Journey Toward Humility<\/em>, Normal Size Ass Nuts: The Return of Donkey Balls Edwards<\/em>, and Ass Balls 3: This Time It’s Personal<\/em>. The vast majority of the poem concerns Nomens’ meditations on this trilogy of tomes, specifically: did the author believe, before he found that his nuts were normal sized, that they were large, with gnashing teeth, or did he think they were diminutive and peering?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n
\n
Shark or titmouse, again I say\nHow hath this Edwards seen\nHis erstwhile mansack, bedanglin,'\nVainly viewed<\/em>.\n\nIn mirror, window front, or the crayoned\nImaginearings of his own scribblin'?\nA self-portrait on the page in\nPauper's pink?<\/em><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
Toward the end of the poem, Nomens has a revelation while being interviewed for a taxidermy periodical called Boner Magazine<\/em>, shouting:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dead be the cloud that kept me clear!
For now I see without Alzheimer's haze\u00a0
Mine own unhaze was hazarded by but
Balding balls!\u00a0<\/em><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Nomens rushes home, creates a makeshift-merkin out of donkey-hide, dons is, and ejaculates into his now menopausal imaginary mate. He then describes the result of the creampie, saying:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n
Judging from the drops like pearls\nThat drop from her now-laughing lips,\u00a0\nWhite shine on wrinkled rose, a\nJocose juxtaposition,\u00a0<\/em>\n\nI have busted a legion of angels to fall\nFrom labial heaven to hoary underworld,\nThe carpeting 'tween our bed and that\nBubbling bidet.<\/em><\/pre>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
He dies, and is buried with the books, offering them to St. Peter as payment for admittance to heaven.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I Came Upon My Beverly, Clearly, is an anonymous epic poem written in a style utterly unlike anything by Edmund Sears, which tells the story of a man, named Nomens, who reads Ramona The Brave as a child, falls in love with the character, and as he grows, so does she, in his mind and … <\/p>\n
Continue reading “Review: I Came Upon My Beverly, Clearly”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[5,12,272],"tags":[381,379,380,382],"class_list":["post-2038","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fiction","category-poetry","category-writing","tag-balls","tag-beverly-cleary","tag-edmund-sears","tag-joe"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p24y52-wS","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2038","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2038"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2038\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2043,"href":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2038\/revisions\/2043"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2038"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2038"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2038"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}