{"id":421,"date":"2012-06-05T13:00:55","date_gmt":"2012-06-05T21:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/?p=421"},"modified":"2012-06-05T13:00:55","modified_gmt":"2012-06-05T21:00:55","slug":"what-its-like-looking-like-george-clooney","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/2012\/06\/05\/what-its-like-looking-like-george-clooney\/","title":{"rendered":"What It’s Like, Looking Like George Clooney"},"content":{"rendered":"

fiction by Jason Edwards<\/em><\/p>\n

I know what you\u2019re thinking.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re thinking: this guy right here, he looks just like George Clooney.<\/p>\n

I get that a lot.<\/p>\n

My dad looks like George Clooney. My mom looks like George Clooney.<\/p>\n

Which makes me wonder about my dad.<\/p>\n

My sister looks like George Clooney, which is weird, because I don\u2019t even have a sister.<\/p>\n

I called him up. I called George Clooney, and all was like, hey man, how many of my grandparents did you sleep with?<\/p>\n

And he\u2019s all: at the tone, the time will be one, thirty five.<\/p>\n

Asshole.<\/p>\n

I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid, which was cool, but last week he tried to friend me on Facebook.<\/p>\n

Awkward.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s always imaginary poking me.<\/p>\n

But what really sucks is his Farmville score is higher than mine.<\/p>\n

Asshole.<\/p>\n

George Clooney called me a few months ago. I figured he was pissed because I used his picture on my Facebook account. But I answered the phone anyway, and he\u2019s all like, have you considered switching your cell phone service to AT&T?<\/p>\n

Which was weird because I don\u2019t even have a phone.<\/p>\n

My sister calls me all the time.<\/p>\n

She called me once and said, George, just remember, cell phones cause brain cancer.<\/p>\n

And I\u2019m going to call you once an hour to remind you of that.<\/p>\n

But the jokes on her because I don\u2019t even have a cell phone.<\/p>\n

Or a sister.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not easy looking George Clooney.<\/p>\n

This is going to shock the ever-lovin\u2019 heck out of you, but I don\u2019t get out much.<\/p>\n

Women come up to me, and I\u2019m thinking, here we go with the George Clooney nonsense again.<\/p>\n

And they\u2019re all like, can you please leave the women\u2019s locker room, immediately?<\/p>\n

What the what? I was just looking for my sister.<\/p>\n

I go to restaurants. You ever been to those? Nice.<\/p>\n

I go up to the hostess and I\u2019m wearing a hat, hoping she won\u2019t recognize me.<\/p>\n

She says, how many in your party?<\/p>\n

And I say, It\u2019s not my birthday.<\/p>\n

No, she says, how many will be dining with you this evening?<\/p>\n

I just shrug. I don\u2019t care, as many as you want.<\/p>\n

So she takes me to a table and I sit down and I say don\u2019t worry. Just because I look like George Clooney, I\u2019m not going to skip out on the bill.<\/p>\n

Can\u2019t promise the same for my imaginary friend.<\/p>\n

Oh, did I mention? He looks like George Clooney too.<\/p>\n

I mean, that\u2019s what he tells me. I\u2019ve never actually seen him.<\/p>\n

I think he has the hots for my sister.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t rob banks.<\/p>\n

They\u2019ll think George Clooney did it an innocent man would go to jail.<\/p>\n

Not cool.<\/p>\n

Can you imagine how awful it would be? For George Clooney? In jail?<\/p>\n

All those anal rapists, saying, George, George, do some of that Oceans 11 shit and get us outta here.<\/p>\n

Cause they\u2019re in jail, they don\u2019t know about the sequels.<\/p>\n

And you know what sucks most about rape?<\/p>\n

All of it.<\/p>\n

I learned that on an afterschool special.<\/p>\n

And don\u2019t worry, I\u2019m not going to make a joke about my imaginary friend raping my sister.<\/p>\n

Not cause it\u2019s not funny.<\/p>\n

I just can\u2019t think of any.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m dating this girl, and thank god, she doesn\u2019t look anything like George Clooney.<\/p>\n

Because that would be like having sex with a mirror, which I\u2019ve done, and let me tell you, it\u2019s not as fun as you would think.<\/p>\n

The pillow talk afterwards was really awkward.<\/p>\n

And when I didn\u2019t get a call the next day, it was a real bummer.<\/p>\n

But my girlfriend, now, she\u2019s great. She looks like Jennifer Aniston.<\/p>\n

Which was an easy switch for me because I actually used to date the real Jennifer Aniston.<\/p>\n

It was pretty good for a few months, but when she found out we were dating, she dumped me.<\/p>\n

But she stills sends me a birthday card\/restraining order every few weeks, so we\u2019re cool.<\/p>\n

She\u2019s very cute about it. She disguises it as a flyer for lawn services.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m guessing she does that so the postman won\u2019t know who we are.<\/p>\n

Although when he catches on that I don\u2019t have a lawn, the jig is up.<\/p>\n

Or a mailbox. Being homeless and everything.<\/p>\n

But back to my girlfriend. She\u2019s great. Except when she flirts with my imaginary friend.<\/p>\n

You know what I mean. She laughs at his jokes. Asks him where he buys his imaginary clothes.<\/p>\n

Pokes him on Facebook.<\/p>\n

But other than that, and the fact that she doesn\u2019t exist, she\u2019s wonderful.<\/p>\n

She\u2019s an amazing cook. She makes this vegan steak tartar. It is out of sight.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve lost ten pounds just thinking about it.<\/p>\n

She gave the recipe to my sister, which was awkward, since my sister is a vegetarian, not a vegan.<\/p>\n

When I was dating the real Jennifer Aniston, we used to get into fights about what to have for dinner.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d say Jen, Honey?<\/p>\n

And she\u2019d walk off the screen and I\u2019d have to talk to Joey.<\/p>\n

Who never talked back.<\/p>\n

Asshole.<\/p>\n

So it\u2019s a good thing we broke up. I mean can you imagine. What if we\u2019d gotten married?<\/p>\n

And the real George Clooney\u2019s girlfriend reads about it, standing in line at the supermarket?<\/p>\n

She\u2019d think her boyfriend got married without telling her.<\/p>\n

And marrying someone without telling them is not a good idea.<\/p>\n

Been there, done that.<\/p>\n

Just ask my imaginary friend.<\/p>\n

He got married to Stacy Kiebler. I have no idea who that is.<\/p>\n

But she and I are friends on Facebook, so there\u2019s that.<\/p>\n

Anyway. I should probably let you go.<\/p>\n

Just wanted to let you know what it\u2019s like, looking like George Clooney.<\/p>\n

What time will it be at the tone, did you say?<\/p>\n

Thanks.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

fiction by Jason Edwards I know what you\u2019re thinking. You\u2019re thinking: this guy right here, he looks just like George Clooney. I get that a lot. My dad looks like George Clooney. My mom looks like George Clooney. Which makes me wonder about my dad. My sister looks like George Clooney, which is weird, because … <\/p>\n

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