{"id":812,"date":"2014-08-05T08:28:06","date_gmt":"2014-08-05T16:28:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/?p=812"},"modified":"2014-08-05T08:28:06","modified_gmt":"2014-08-05T16:28:06","slug":"e-mail-to-my-cousins-best-man-re-bachelor-party","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bukkhead.com\/blog\/2014\/08\/05\/e-mail-to-my-cousins-best-man-re-bachelor-party\/","title":{"rendered":"E-Mail to My Cousin\u2019s Best Man re: Bachelor Party"},"content":{"rendered":"

fiction by Jason Edwards<\/em><\/p>\n

Hey Dave\u2014good seeing you and yours that last weekend. I\u2019m still drinking the beers that were bought and not consumed, which sometimes makes for a rough morning, but that\u2019s the definition of family if you ask me. Anywho, I haven\u2019t heard from Evan yet about your bachelor party, so if you could forward to him the following, that would be great. I\u2019m sure he\u2019s a busy man, and I don\u2019t want to put too much pressure on him or anything, but I figured while I\u2019m sitting here drunk as hell with nothing better to do, I might as well get some thoughts down on paper.<\/p>\n

Hi Evan. This is Samuel, Dave\u2019s oldest cousin. I understand that as Dave\u2019s best man, you\u2019ll be in charge of his bachelor party. Just wanted to start off by saying that there are no hard feelings at all that he didn\u2019t choose me as his best man, despite the fact that we\u2019re related by blood and that if one of us needed a kidney the other one would probably be a good match. \u201cYou can pick your friends, but you can\u2019t pick your family,\u201d they say. (I don\u2019t know who they<\/em> are, but apparently they<\/em> don\u2019t go to a lot of bachelor parties.)<\/p>\n

I have a few ground rules when it comes to this sort of thing, bachelor parties I mean, and I wanted to let you know about them in advance. For example, bachelor parties always means strippers, and that\u2019s fine, but there\u2019s a brand of stripper-body-glitter that I\u2019m allergic too, so if you could tell the strippers that in advance, it would be appreciated. It\u2019s okay if they rub themselves on my face\u2014it\u2019s mainly my upper thighs that will break out into a rash. It only took my three or four parties to figure that one out!<\/p>\n

Also, a long weekend with the boys usually means beer, and as a person who lives in Seattle, I, of course, know beer. I would appreciate it if only craft beer made with organic Pacific-Northwest hops is bought for everyone. I\u2019ll contribute to the funds for that, no worries. You have to love the planet or the planet won\u2019t love you back, after all.<\/p>\n

I believe the Monday Night Football<\/em> game that will be on when we\u2019re all together will be the Bears at the Jets. I\u2019m afraid this won\u2019t work for me. I went to a Bears game once a few years ago when I was visiting Chicago, and a drunk guy in the men\u2019s room shouted at me, saying \u201cHurry up, fatso.\u201d (I assume he was talking to me, as I have struggled with an eating disorder since a particularly frightening episode of \u2018Growing Pains\u2019 that aired in 1988, the one where Carol is nominated for Homecoming Queen. I was so sure it was going to be a Carrie<\/em>\u00a0homage, I ate, like, three bags of Reese\u2019s Peanut Butter Cup Minis, and I\u2019ve been addicted ever since). I know bachelor parties are where men get to be men and real men like football, but since the Bears are one of my \u201ctriggers,\u201d I\u2019m sure everyone else will understand if we do something else instead. May I suggest a few games of Settlers of Cataan<\/em>?<\/p>\n

Dave indicated that he\u2019s inviting my dad and his dad as well. Just wanted to assure you that while they both tend to get a little racist\/homophic\/mysoginistic\/anti-semitic\/pro-life\/pro-Limbaugh\/pro-Hobby-Lobby when they\u2019re drunk, they’ve never actually killed anyone on purpose. Oh, I almost forgot to mention: both my dad and his dad have conceal-carry permits. But don\u2019t worry. As long as Dave and I are more or less sober, we can handle them.<\/p>\n

Sleeping arrangements: my sleep-apnea and snoring shouldn’t be a problem if everyone brings earplugs. Also, everyone gives GHB a bad rap but it really does help people sleep through loud noises. So just say the word, and I\u2019ll bring some of my stash to share, and I\u2019ll give everyone a fair price. I\u2019ll also bring condoms if anyone\u2019s worried.<\/p>\n

I assume we\u2019ll be showering together, as that\u2019s a bachelor party tradition. I have no problem with this. I take very long showers.<\/p>\n

And finally, wanted to let you know that I\u2019m really looking forward to the fun! Ever since the car accident, my wife won\u2019t let me out of the house, much less go to parties! But she had to give in on this one, house-arrest or not, since Dave and I are family after all. And you know what they say, \u201cinnocent until proven guilty;\u201d so until the DA finds proof, I\u2019m not letting some stupid ankle bracelet keep me<\/em>\u00a0from celebrating with my cuz!<\/p>\n

Hope this email finds you well. Feel free to call me at (737) 874-2833 to discuss. English only, please.<\/p>\n

–Samuel Hanson, age 42<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

fiction by Jason Edwards Hey Dave\u2014good seeing you and yours that last weekend. I\u2019m still drinking the beers that were bought and not consumed, which sometimes makes for a rough morning, but that\u2019s the definition of family if you ask me. Anywho, I haven\u2019t heard from Evan yet about your bachelor party, so if you … <\/p>\n

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