I Saw One of Sofia Vergara’s Nipples (and I Liked It)

Trying to think of a good title for this essay. Maybe “The Day Janet Jackson’s Nipple Destroyed America,” or “Nipples Don’t Nourish” or even “Down with Women, Their Parts, Their Agenda.” Something ironic is what I’m going for. I just can’t think of any non-ironic reasons why people get so upset over nipples.

I hopped on the internet today to check the news about the May 1st riots, you know, the ones the police and the terrorists are getting ready for. Doesn’t really affect me, since I work from home in a quiet suburban area; but my wife has to drive to work, and my parents are celebrating their anniversary today by driving into their local city (Sacramento), so I wanted to read up and give them warning about where the tear gas clouds were going to be most concentrated.

I was distracted, right off the bat, by an article about Sofia Vergara. Apparently she recently posed for some foreign-language magazine in a see-thru top. I scanned article quickly until I found what I wanted: a link to the uncensored photo. Score! Nipples inbound!

I looked at the picture for about three seconds. There was the nipple, hooray! I think Sofiia is an attractive lady, and she’s hilarious on Modern Family. In this picture, I didn’t care so much for what the make-up artist and hairstylist had done. Another quick glance at the nipple, then I turned off the computer and went for a run.

First run in almost a week. Cold, windy, hilly, brutal.

And the whole time I ran, I thought about how ridiculous all of the nipple nonsense is. Back in whatever year it was at the Super Bowl halftime show, Janet Jackson flashed her nipple for about a tenth of a second. Nevermind who’s idea it was, or if it was an accident. The result was that conservatives went crazy, and were able to shove their agenda forward that much further. And while I don’t have the exact statistics at hand, I’m pretty sure that meant more kids went hungry than would have otherwise.

I am totally serious about this. Conservatives hate welfare and other entitlement programs. When they get their momentum up, funding to feed people who can’t feed themselves gets cut. Maybe not directly, but it’s my firm opinion that conservatism in general is bad for this country. That’s why I vote the way I do.

But what I want to know is, what’s the rationale for getting upset over a nipple? What are we protecting children from? Let’s just say they’re right, that if a kid sees a nipple, he’ll grow up to hate women and rape them. So? Don’t conservatives hate women anyway? They want women to have unwanted babies, to be probe-raped if they’re going to have abortions, to register as card-carrying prostitutes if they want to insurance for birth control.

(And if you’re going to try and tell me that’s NOT what conservatives believe, conservatives are doing a horrible job of marketing their agenda.)

Why do people get upset when they see a nipple? Because it serves their purpose, that’s why. You might as well blame the month of May for the protesters today. Nipples have nothing to do with, well, anything. At the end of the day, it’s not about the nipple, it’s about using conflict to one’s advantage.

Well, I’m not buying in. I’m not going to let them goad me into a fight. A nipple’s just a nipple.

And much like that nipple, these ideas didn’t occupy my attention for too long, as I ran. More than anything else I ended up thinking about how cold it was, how windy, how much I hate hills, how out of shape I am. I purposefully didn’t look at my GPS watch as I went, because I didn’t want to be disappointed by how little I’d done. Finally, a block or so away from my house, I glanced at: three and half miles. Oh well. At least I didn’t pass any riots while I was out there.

When I got back home, I went to my office to check email real quick before a shower. Turned on the computer, and there was the nipple, waiting for me. But seriously, who did her make-up? Do not like.